Trigger

1. Palpitations
2. Hyperventilations

Currently expriencing the above. Help.
T.T

its been awhile since my last sitting in the university exams. and its back. with full steam ahead, leaving me way WAY behind. with only 2 weeks left on the countdown and i have like 5 different types of countdowns around my room. not that its enough of a reminder. i'm studying as fast as i can (read: turtle) and drinking coffee by the galleons. this time around, i learnt a few new things about myself :-

1- under stress, i can cry buckets with the smallest stimuli. for example, here i am, randomly picking an episode of my favorite korean drama series to blow off steam. with fate, i chose that episode where the hero got dumped; a sad scene if you may. i then started... like the malay saying goes, menangis macam hilang laki -___-" well, at least i DID feel better after. LOL

2- i can no more be wonder woman and study till late at night and wake up early the next morning. 8 hours of sleep is the way people! how on earth did i do it on 4 hours of sleep during 2nd year is beyond me now.

what i know which still remains unsolved until now is..

why am i here in medicine school again???

no worries, i'll somehow adore this place again after my exams. but for now,

 THIS WHOLE THING SUCKS!

Escape

An escape needed. A flurry of rainbows. A chocolate waffle sundae. Anything but this.

its the small things, or the small creatures.

its been awhile since i wrote on this. like whole-heart-on-plate write. and today was just crappy enough to make my fingers click away on the lappie. learning medicine is just not plain taxing for me anymore. it seems like i've lost any minute emotions i have left in my amygdala since i came into surgery postings. last semester, i bitched and whined through it. but, i did enjoy it in some freaky level.

now.. i'm at a stage where i'm just plain scared right down to my osteo to even attend a class. where the teacher picks on you, sending you out of classes, humiliating you; just because your sitting positions are wrong. he might be a prof, knowledge level memang mantap. but then, what's the point when your students are plain terrified of you.

many say, don't run away. he will just remember you and keep hold of you. especially during the worst of times (read: end posting exams). at that point, just pray to god you do well enough for him NOT to fail you. according to eye-witness statements and the statistics, that almost NEVER happens. sigh. all i can do now is study hard, pray harder and just keep crossing my fingers. 2 weeks down, another 6 to go.

Ya Allah, help me here please. Ameen.

emo moment aside. i have a new friend :))

meet mr. orange, the new boy in my life <3

was studying in Mcd with noreen (hello you! if you're actually reading this. hee) when this lil cute thing came around my table for food scraps. ran back to the car, where i ALWAYS keep cat food. (if i can't save all the cats out there, i can at least feed them right? :D) gave him food enough for a week and went back to stdying. he went to go play2 with other ppl, made a fool of himself. i guess he was done for the night and decided to just jump on my lap and doze off.

OHMAIGOD. you tell me, how on earth was i to let him go? there was so much drama in between, which would embarrass me. i'm skipping it all to say he is now safe and comfortable in my home. taken care and being fed like 10 times a day. man, he's eating like all the time and not pooping. how's that even possible?? like sheila says, exploited itself to get a better life, from the streets----to a home. HEEE :DD

he made me smile through the week. calling home thrice a day to check up. i guess, HE gave me a lil happiness bfore all the shitty stuff came. so, am still strong and bitching about it here. LOL. i say, bring it on next friday sir! i'll be ready.

null

hiatus : a break or interruption in the continuity of a work, series, action, etc.

snippets of my current daily intake

• has now entered 7th sem, i'm now a full fledged 4th year medical student. don't know whether  to be worried or happy. but still, an obligatory YAYY! is a must :) 
• am in the 1st group, which goes through all the hardest letusmakeurelifealivinghell postings continuously. huh. gonna be an interesting semester @_@
• currently in medicine postings. having to go to muar EVERYDAY for ONE MONTH makes me flop at the end of the day. but buuuuttttt, BRIGHT SIDE? Dr. Lim E.K, an MO in ward 8 *swoonss!!* am on a mission to get his full name out of those initials. then, its FB stalking :D

best for last and all that. 

last saturday, i went to the Korean Music Wave 2011 concert in Stadium Merdeka. reason for being there? besides the obvious of me being an avid kpop fan and would go anywhere korean-related, MY BABY JIYOUNGIE WAS IN THE HOUSE!!  owh, and also TOP with baby seungri. ashlsakfdgjajasdakf;jhhs!!!!! *jumps up and down*

its safe to say that 99.9% who came were there for big bang.

MC goes on listing the line up of the night. the crowd goes "aahhhhh!! yaaaaayyyy!!"

MC goes and say BIG BANG!! the whole stadium was "AAAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

*you just gotta imagine what i'm trying to say here. it ain't a 3D blog* heh.

i would continue just spazzing about them. but that would make me very high, and not make studying tonight possible. i shall now simmer down *think hospital. think muar. think Dr Lim. think block tests. think P2S1*

i'm now depressed, again.

bye.

HP7

its finally here. its all so bittersweet. the movie marks the real ending of the whole harry potter journey, something i've had ever since primary days. part of me wants it out NOW, the other wants it to continue forever. i shall be forever be in debt to Mrs. Rowling for giving me the best magical ride a girl could have.

side note: spent the night watching the world premiere streaming live.

tom felton's date was gorgeous.

i is heartbroken.

*imagines throwing her into a deepdeeeepppp never ending well*

now, what was i saying??

ahhh, tom felton was just too perfect! :D

jabatan psikiatri hospital besar melaka

owhhhhhh yesssssss. say it with me now. FINALLY OUT OF THE GRASP OF SURGERY!! (cues hula dancing around ze room)

freeehhhdomee people! and next up, as you might have read. psychiatry! its been 12days, and its utter bliss. minus 1 point amidst it all,

*cough*dato'doktorrajagopalyangbajetpowerlagihebat.pfffttt*cough*

to those who can imagine him, "you use the phone infront of me, YOUU DIEEEEEEE!!!". siap bulging eyeballs and gritted teeth. geez -_______-

handling patients in this wards can by amusing at times, but ALWAYS i pity them. having to be born with such a defect in their minds, so easily ridiculed by outsiders who cannot understand them. at least, they are all on the road to recovery.

i 1st entered the ward last monday, all wide-eyed and excited. and this chinese lady came straight at me saying, "saya kenal awak!" imagine my surprise, and went "owh?? mana you pernah tengok saya??". "DALAM TV!! ITU ASTRO GUNA MUKA AWAK TAK BAYAR, MCM SAYA PUN!!" i was like -_________________-, while the rest ran away trying not to laugh. well, at least i'm famous! in someone's head atleast :)

two ends of a line

one side.

>48yrs MALAY male patient, c/c of hematemasis and severe abdominal pain<

me : (out of COMMON COURTESY) selamat pagi pakcik. kenapa masuk hospital ni? dah lama ke masuk? sakit kat bahagian mana? *hugest smile on face*
patient : ah. (dgn muka takmau layan) sakit perut. tak lama pun. kat sini,sini,sini (points at random parts of stomach)
groupmate : uncle, if u don't mind.. which parts again?

patient : OWHHH! (NOW he smiles) here at the upper part...blablabla...yadayadayada...

me : hekelehhhhhhhhhhhh......... (dalam hati ofcourse)

later..

me : uncle, i'm sorry to ask. but do you drink alcohol?
patient : owh, YES!
me : (stil trying to be sensitive here) if u don't mind me asking, how much do u drink per sitting?
patient : ikut mood laaa. when happy, drink alot! when bad mood, if force also cannot drink right. (turns to indian groupmate) people who don't drink cannot know how it feels right??
me : -_______________________________- '''


the other side

>60yrs female malay patient, c/c of advanced stage 4 breast cancer<

student : makcik, boleh nak tanya soalan sikit?

patient : boleh nak. (she went on telling the A-Z of her condition with no qualms)
at end of case taking, student thanks her
patient : xde xde. makcik besar hati boleh menolong anak belajar. belajar kuat2, jadi doktor yang sempurna. boleh sembuhkan org lain yang ada penyakit macam makcik. untuk makcik, dah terlambat sudah. bila dah kurang kerja tuh, mari la jumpa makcik. makcik selalu seorang je di sini, kadang-kadang bosan jugak *gives crinkly smile*

safe to say, some of the girls teared up after looking at her.

on another note,
male student : sir! i need to go to the toilet!
doctor : nvm. come, i'll give u a rubber band.
ROFL

Historical city of Malacca

Its been FORever. I found better things to do with my time but being on hiatus this long is just ridikulus. So, hello again to my imaginary readers :D. I've finally checked in the one N only malacca campus. Been here for the past month and a half.

I.MISS.MANIPAL

Sigh.

Yes yes. I should be thanking god i'm finally back home, nearer to family, actually able to understand the sick aunties, yadayadayada. But in my current stress rate, i'm sure to combust anytime soon! rawr.

Im in the middle of my surgery postings. 3 more weeks of 15-page casesheets, surgical drawings and workshops. ketabahan farah hanna! *wuusaaa*

finally got my deserved break last friday after a gruelling week. fun times with friends watching pirate. all i can say is; alahaiii, kapten sparrow <3

mooo mooo

it was day before yesterday. with extra semangat, i went out jogging around the campus. as usual.

MUST.LOSE.WEIGHT *scrunched up face*

and soo.. there was i, jogging. minding my own business. listening to my mp3 while trying to control muka jogging yang lawa. is there even such a face? heh. thennn, muncul this family of cows. got papa cow, mama cow, even 2 anak cows. they were coming towards me, on both sides of the road. saya pun bagi jalan, jogged in the middle of the road. past them while tahan nafas. they smell like cow poop kot. haha.

suddenly la kan, i heard shoutings behind me. i was like apakahhh??, and turned around. saw one uncle jumping up n down, looking at me n pointing at a cow. guess what, one of the cows started to chase me from behind. literally a cow was running, not brisk walking towards me. can u even imagine it?? i'm guessing its the mama cow but with HORNS. got the shock of my life! apalagi.. i started running my ass of la!

to make it even more annoying, as soon as i started running.. it stopped and made a u-turn to join the family back. hekelehhhhhh, %*#(*!%^@$ punya lembu!!! tak kacau u pun kott!! the uncle pulak, started laughing after it ended. eyh, pakcik ni pun satu T.T

memang nasib badan. sighh =.='

a proud VIP

i've never stated anything much here about my interest, or others would say obsession, towards a korean group, BIGBANG. but today, i was woken up by his phone call that sent me to the moon! :D. here's the story.

BIGBANG is having this japan concert tour really soon. in the celebration of it, they gabung tenaga with UNIQLO japan and came out with this whole batch of limited edition BB tees. and, i was like, uniqlo KL ada!! soo, apalagi. called up mr boyfie, put in a lil bit of aegyo and made him drive to KL to check it out for me. turns out the shop was closed 2 days for the gongxi gongxi. quoting him, 'u ni kan, mmg nak kene makan lempang pagi2 hari....'. ehehehe. ampun incik!

click to see :)

but him being him, he went again for me today. and whaddya now, the tees are on the shelves! one and only batch to reach KL. no more other shipments. but atleast u don't have to Q up outside the store since 2am! unlike in japan.. dah la sejuk nak mati. owh the competition there =='

th Q is actually WAYYYY longer

itu xpe lagi. the apparels are also sold online, which u can lupakan also. totally sold out an hour after the counter opened. caya ahhhhh. then.. putting all this aside, i'm now a proud VIP with 2 new different BIGBANG tees!! oh yes :DD. and sayanggg, thank you soo very much. ily <3

namaskara

yeaaa yeaaa, its been so long. i know. heh. if i would to say that its not like i'm out of things to tell but just too excited about going home to care about other things.. would u accept that? LOL. another 16x24 hours more to go till i'm done with india! booyeah! all my things are packed in boxes, my luggage is already half filled. x sabar punya pasal. haha. i am going to miss this place, but enough is enough. i can't take it anymore. IT here includes the food, the people, the mentality of the people, THE PEOPLE. mind, i don't mean everyone here. but still.. urgh. nak balik!!

i'm in my last postings now, surgery! having 2 of the most adorable surgeons teaching us. both almost or maybe even past 70yrs, they are like our atok angkat for 2 weeks. hehe. one of them, dr santosh is very affectionate. and he shows it by physical contact. squeezing the hands, patting the back, etc. 1st class, girls semua nk duduk depan. needless to say, after that.. the behind rows are the hot seats. lol.

the family's at terengganu, nephew getting married. lil bro called me to tell me they went for ICT there, and i was like 'owh, tganu got lampu2 also meh??' turns out, ICT there means ikan celup tepung. sungguh =='

aiman's back home from NS cos of gong xi, gong xi. hani's home too. saya pun nak ada di situ! ;(

u guys better be missing me!

twenty eleven

and here it is, the last day of the year.

2010 holds too many dear and some not-so-dear memories for me. i spent a lot of time self-reflecting over things that i didn't think about before. i know how it hurts to fall down on your face, butt, siap golek-golek turun bukit. i found out life may not be a bed of roses alone; also got sunflower, daisies, orchids, even the rafflesia wann. heh :p.

but then, i also knew that its satisfying to get up and still walk about, head high up. i realised who my great companions are at times needed. i knew this before, but i still have to say this. nothing can ever replace my family after their support and love to me through this year. had the best sleepover, the 1st i had in my 22years of living (pathetic, i know). RAFAR will be the death of me, i tell you. loves! best yet; i totally score 3 different BIGBANG DVDs!! courtesy of raihana asila. haha :D

i'm sure everyone are thinking of new resolutions, some more serious than the other. or even, sticking to the old ones and making oneself to be MORE determined to make sure its really done. heh. me, i gave up on these long time ago actually. just no matter how sure i was to be able to cover it, despite the effort, by the end of the year.. its not really what i hoped for. but, it may be for the better right?

"you can't always get what you want; but if you try sometimes, you'll find; you get what you need"

i'm looking forward to what 2011 will present on the platter for me. the bad parts sure got one, i just pray the better ones will be more this time. ameen. cheers 2011 :)

HAPPY HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

me in lara croft mode.

realised i didnt make one this year. still, its never too late right. it was 3 days ago, nevertheless i hoped everyone had a MERRY JOLLY HOLIDAY! did u guys meet the dude in red?? he lost weight right?! thought he was a bit smaller this year. heh :) *end of lame joke*

i spent my very non-white christmas camping in the jungle this year. it was an AWESOME weekend. the 11 of us headed to riverredge (y is it not spelt ridge right?? i'm still bewildered over the same thing. trust me.) paradise eco-resort, reaching there only by midnite. so, it was all dark and cold, VERY COLD. wasn't prepared at all, i froze thru the night. see! x need got snow oso :p

the scenery needs no words. then, its jungle trekking!!! wahhhh, manyak rindu ahhh!!! :D. after the whole "becareful, duri!", "owh shit! stupid rock.", etc.. we reached this waterfall where we totally rockclimbed weyhh :p. siap repel repel down some more. cayaaaaa kaaannnnnnnn~ eventho i was scared shitless, those people won't let me go home until i'm done doing both. haha.

a weekend well spent is just what i needed. minus the point that i had the worst motion sickness in the history of mankind, i basically retched thru the whole 5hour journey home. was half dead by the time ainaa opened the door for me. geez =='

everyone :)

11 Saturdays to go!!

was just looking through my sem5 timetable.

yes, THREE more postings left. approximately 80days left. i'm gleefully counting the hours till

this.

this.

this.

and ESPECIALLY this :)

HAJJAH SARAH OTHMAN

*remember this?? XD *

after all the great times together.. the interesting ups and downs.

eventhough yu always want to emo-emo with me wannnn..... :p

still, i lapp lapp you to tinybits n pieces!

HAPPY HAPPY HARI TUA SARRON!!

loves, hugs and kisses;

HANNANONANON <3

pigs, buffaloes, dearest friends

last minute decision to head to davangere. SIX BLARRDDDYYYY HOURS in the car. never again u guys, never. korang pulak datang manipal :p

fyi, car wasn't moving. i found a whole new level to the word JAKUN XD

got caught pigging out. laparrr dowh.

never had so much fun in a supermarket before. pastu beli barang, mcm i nak duduk seminggu. aiyoo T.T

love you guys <3

to whom it may concern;

my stint in india is ending, SOON!! BOOYEAHH!!!

3 months 1 week. and MALAYSIA!! X)

sekian, harap maklum. teeheee.

bipolar-ed post

have i ever mentioned how egoistic, ridiculous, gila-malas-nak-layan tempe's are. ARGH T.T

two weeks ago, me and ainaa headed to udupi district police station to report ourselves, basically telling them ''HELLO! WE'RE BACK! againn....''. we also gathered info on how to extend our almost-expiring visa's. the pakcik misai gave us this form to fill, and its tajuk was...

form of application to be filled by ALIEN desiring to extend stay in india

and we were like, 'uncle! why alien?!?'. and he was like nodding, looking at us as if the reason is so obvious. i just can't terima, started blabbing how aliens = ET, UFOs, etc. he just wouldn't accept it, suddenly got up and stormed out of the room. the next thing we knew, he came back with a dictionary. he opened the book and started pointing, 'see! see!'

ALIEN : foreign, something out of nature

*go figure. sheeesh*

then, it clicked. apparently, foreign is a short of foreigner. aiyooooo =__________=

no words i tell you, none whatsoever.

********************************************

in today's posting, i came across a suicidal patient with severe depression. it really breaks my heart to see people struggling with their everyday lives, hitting rock bottom. having feelings of hopelessness and unworthiness in them. so many hands reaching out to help, yet its not easy to overcome such a burden.

this new patient was telling us, he was ready to take away his life. he even planned it to be on the nov 5th. which means, he had to wait for a whole 2 weeks. why?? his salary day is on the 4th. so?? he wants to pay of the loans he had 1st. nvm that. found out later, his birthday fell on the oct 30th. he celebrated it by giving treats at a children's orphanage. a suicidal patient with conscious and a kind heart. albeit all that; in the end, he stated that no matter how much the doctors help.. there's just no hope for him.

he seemed so... normal. yet, an emotional war rages inside him. pulling him left to right. i gave a small prayer for him, hoping he'll get back to the right path safely~

next up!

after 3 weeks of history taking, palpation (a word that i always tersasul with palpitations. hehh :D), main-main with itu stets; medicine postings are finally done! eventho it was very tiring, dgn ada doctor that won't even look at you if u want to ask her something, summore got patients that can pull their blankets over their heads so fast and buat-buat tido when we come near them; it was actually a nice experience. finally, i can see what it means to be a healer. regardless; aiman farhan, you're still to do SOMETHING ELSE and not medicine. harap maklum. heh :)

psychiatry postings coming after. excited? YES. as many of my dear ones know, i've always wanted to be a psychiatrist/psychologist for as long as i can remember. LOL. but it may not be like how i imagined it. fingers crossed people! X)

owh, dan jugaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

MAHU!!!!!! *salivates*