Thursday, November 26, 2009

ekjams ekjams

everything has slowed down just a tiny tinnyyy bit since d last 2 weeks. as usual; every block exam made us curse, turned us into zombies. everyone had the "i'm dead, ignore me" faces after finishing the CSI paper. haha. i'm on my oh-so-normal detoxifying period of caffeine.. practically drank 3 packets of nescafe each day to make sure i stay awake. actuallyyyy, i think its more of a drug-dependence scenario, but whatever-lahh :))

with block 3 theory papers finnaalllyyy done, the next 4 days are for the practicals. ze thought of having exams on raya is sooo de-motivating. i bet those two budak2 gedik tgh enjoy mummy's rendang ayam, kuah kacang & nasi impit. danggggg~

aidiladha this year is very toned down. prayers in ze early morning, and to rush back to study for the afternoon paper. it kinda struck me....

with all the amount of cows walking around, we could actually have a raya bash.
that is..
if u're not beaten up yet by the locals. HAHA.


on a different note,
was reading incik aiman's blog. found out he bought a tee from forever21. geeezzz! i didn't even know the existence of these high-end brands until i went into college. what's with the kids now, growing up so fast?? to think that i 1st shopped in forever21 when i was 19yrs. this brother of mine is only 16 !
last holidays, i turned out to be the shortest, albeit being the eldest. its only in ze matter of time, they don't need kak farah to drive them around anymore. aiyooo..

**budak2; suree, grow up. no one's stopping you. but slow-slow laaa :))

well,that's that :))

dearest family, sayang, RAFARs, chico, beloved pigs, friends near and far, EVERYONE;


loves from manipal,

Sunday, November 15, 2009

block 3 !

exams have arrived again. doomsday starts this thursday, ending only on next saturday. pray hard for me please, am in need of GREATTT HELP now :). overdose of coffee as usual. guess what, coffee (as in the caffeine in it) is a treatment for migraine. got me wondering there, drinking coffee at times gives me a migraine. haha.

after all this ends, a hectic weekend starts for the mmmc-ians! back to back; indian dance competition, annual night, lagenda '09 and malaysian food fest. WOOT WOOOT!! i'm in for the indian dance. yeahhh..will try not to break the stage XD

* lagenda : its basically a malaysian cultural night, organized by the Malaysian Student Association for the campus.
malaysian food fest : need i xplain the obvious?? glorious food, more glooorioouuussss FOOOOD :D

mummy couldn't make it here again this sem. sighh. oh well, it IS due to unavoidable circumstances. shee's mum is coming tho! omg, (more) free good food?? hahaha :)).
mak jam is heading to makkah for her hajj. gave her a call, made me smile, miss her :). if only i can follow, i miss that heavenly place. *writes in list-to-do : umrah trip!*

okengss lah, enough break. gotta get my arse moving again on the pharmac pathway. geezz~ how can there be soo many different drugs! if its for different diseases, i still can take it. but for the same blarddyy disease?! pharmaaacccc *groans inwardly*
miss ashura zulkafli, u have my utmost respect for actually majoring in PHARMACOLOGY. i feel u woman, i feel u. haha :p

bye bye blog, hello ubat-ubatan

Friday, November 13, 2009

who's the bitch?

so many things has happened over such a short period of 7 hours. its so draining, really. so many things to shout and rant about, yet i'm keeping it cool. malas nk layan mode. as a great friend of mine said : just lepak-lahh. since they DESPERATELY need the postponement..bagi je lah. lets just ignore the point that we were given the same amount of time to get the routines and costumes ready; regardless that they practiced earlier compared to us; or we had to balance an upcoming very-very-close block exam with the practice timings. i just wonder.. lets just say, i'm not ready for an exam. can i just plainly go to the dean the day before, n say "sir, i'm not ready.can we postpone the exams??". its really a question of ethics here, don't you think? playing dirty, calling the innocent a bitch behind her back (c'mon lah, doesn't that makes u the real bitch? aiyoo), being immature. seriously.. this is soo ridiculous! i hate to stir things up, making it worse as it already is. i'm taking it all in a stride quietly now, but as the saying goes.. karma can be a bitch as well u know :))

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

*the spoon theory*

this is just alil' something i want to share with all of u.. read this minutes ago, thanks to naj who posted it in mukabuku.. touched me in a way i can't explain. us, as medical students, would know everything there is to a disease. its definition, signs and symptoms, its treatment. but in truth, we'll nvr understand a disease inside out. being laden with information doesn't mean you can truly get a disease, not without actually experiencing the whole works.

fyi, my dear friend naj is also down with the same disease below yet never changing the bubbly her :)).

*The Spoon Theory*
by Christine Miserandino

My best friend and I were in the diner, talking. As usual, it was very late and we were eating French fries with gravy. Like normal girls our age, we spent a lot of time in the diner while in college, and most of the time we spent talking about boys, music or trivial things, that seemed very important at the time. We never got serious about anything in particular and spent most of our time laughing.

As I went to take some of my medicine with a snack as I usually did, she watched me with an awkward kind of stare, instead of continuing the conversation. She then asked me out of the blue what it felt like to have Lupus and be sick. I was shocked not only because she asked the random question, but also because I assumed she knew all there was to know about Lupus. She came to doctors with me, she saw me walk with a cane, and throw up in the bathroom. She had seen me cry in pain, what else was there to know?

I started to ramble on about pills, and aches and pains, but she kept pursuing, and didn't seem satisfied with my answers. I was a little surprised as being my roommate in college and friend for years; I thought she already knew the medical definition of Lupus. Then she looked at me with a face every sick person knows well, the face of pure curiosity about something no one healthy can truly understand. She asked what it felt like, not physically, but what it felt like to be me, to be sick.

As I tried to gain my composure, I glanced around the table for help or guidance, or at least stall for time to think. I was trying to find the right words. How do I answer a question I never was able to answer for myself? How do I explain every detail of every day being effected, and give the emotions a sick person goes through with clarity. I could have given up, cracked a joke like I usually do, and changed the subject, but I remember thinking if I don’t try to explain this, how could I ever expect her to understand. If I can’t explain this to my best friend, how could I explain my world to anyone else? I had to at least try.

At that moment, the spoon theory was born. I quickly grabbed every spoon on the table; hell I grabbed spoons off of the other tables. I looked at her in the eyes and said “Here you go, you have Lupus”. She looked at me slightly confused, as anyone would when they are being handed a bouquet of spoons. The cold metal spoons clanked in my hands, as I grouped them together and shoved them into her hands.

I explained that the difference in being sick and being healthy is having to make choices or to consciously think about things when the rest of the world doesn’t have to. The healthy have the luxury of a life without choices, a gift most people take for granted.

Most people start the day with unlimited amount of possibilities, and energy to do whatever they desire, especially young people. For the most part, they do not need to worry about the effects of their actions. So for my explanation, I used spoons to convey this point. I wanted something for her to actually hold, for me to then take away, since most people who get sick feel a “loss” of a life they once knew. If I was in control of taking away the spoons, then she would know what it feels like to have someone or something else, in this case Lupus, being in control.

She grabbed the spoons with excitement. She didn’t understand what I was doing, but she is always up for a good time, so I guess she thought I was cracking a joke of some kind like I usually do when talking about touchy topics. Little did she know how serious I would become?

I asked her to count her spoons. She asked why, and I explained that when you are healthy you expect to have a never-ending supply of "spoons". But when you have to now plan your day, you need to know exactly how many “spoons” you are starting with. It doesn’t guarantee that you might not lose some along the way, but at least it helps to know where you are starting. She counted out 12 spoons. She laughed and said she wanted more. I said no, and I knew right away that this little game would work, when she looked disappointed, and we hadn't even started yet. I’ve wanted more "spoons" for years and haven’t found a way yet to get more, why should she? I also told her to always be conscious of how many she had, and not to drop them because she can never forget she has Lupus.

I asked her to list off the tasks of her day, including the most simple. As, she rattled off daily chores, or just fun things to do; I explained how each one would cost her a spoon. When she jumped right into getting ready for work as her first task of the morning, I cut her off and took away a spoon. I practically jumped down her throat. I said " No! You don’t just get up. You have to crack open your eyes, and then realize you are late. You didn’t sleep well the night before. You have to crawl out of bed, and then you have to make your self something to eat before you can do anything else, because if you don’t, you can't take your medicine, and if you don’t take your medicine you might as well give up all your spoons for today and tomorrow too." I quickly took away a spoon and she realized she hasn’t even gotten dressed yet. Showering cost her spoon, just for washing her hair and shaving her legs. Reaching high and low that early in the morning could actually cost more than one spoon, but I figured I would give her a break; I didn’t want to scare her right away.

Getting dressed was worth another spoon. I stopped her and broke down every task to show her how every little detail needs to be thought about. You cannot simply just throw clothes on when you are sick. I explained that I have to see what clothes I can physically put on, if my hands hurt that day buttons are out of the question. If I have bruises that day, I need to wear long sleeves, and if I have a fever I need a sweater to stay warm and so on. If my hair is falling out I need to spend more time to look presentable, and then you need to factor in another 5 minutes for feeling badly that it took you 2 hours to do all this.

I think she was starting to understand when she theoretically didn’t even get to work, and she was left with 6 spoons. I then explained to her that she needed to choose the rest of her day wisely, since when your “spoons” are gone, they are gone. Sometimes you can borrow against tomorrow’s "spoons", but just think how hard tomorrow will be with less "spoons". I also needed to explain that a person who is sick always lives with the looming thought that tomorrow may be the day that a cold comes, or an infection, or any number of things that could be very dangerous. So you do not want to run low on "spoons", because you never know when you truly will need them. I didn’t want to depress her, but I needed to be realistic, and unfortunately being prepared for the worst is part of a real day for me.

We went through the rest of the day, and she slowly learned that skipping lunch would cost her a spoon, as well as standing on a train, or even typing at her computer too long. She was forced to make choices and think about things differently. Hypothetically, she had to choose not to run errands, so that she could eat dinner that night.

When we got to the end of her pretend day, she said she was hungry. I summarized that she had to eat dinner but she only had one spoon left. If she cooked, she wouldn’t have enough energy to clean the pots. If she went out for dinner, she might be too tired to drive home safely. Then I also explained, that I didn’t even bother to add into this game, that she was so nauseous, that cooking was probably out of the question anyway. So she decided to make soup, it was easy. I then said it is only 7pm, you have the rest of the night but maybe end up with one spoon, so you can do something fun, or clean your apartment, or do chores, but you can’t do it all.

I rarely see her emotional, so when I saw her upset I knew maybe I was getting through to her. I didn’t want my friend to be upset, but at the same time I was happy to think finally maybe someone understood me a little bit. She had tears in her eyes and asked quietly “Christine, How do you do it? Do you really do this everyday?” I explained that some days were worse then others; some days I have more spoons then most. But I can never make it go away and I can’t forget about it, I always have to think about it. I handed her a spoon I had been holding in reserve. I said simply, “I have learned to live life with an extra spoon in my pocket, in reserve. You need to always be prepared”

Its hard, the hardest thing I ever had to learn is to slow down, and not do everything. I fight this to this day. I hate feeling left out, having to choose to stay home, or to not get things done that I want to. I wanted her to feel that frustration. I wanted her to understand, that everything everyone else does comes so easy, but for me it is one hundred little jobs in one. I need to think about the weather, my temperature that day, and the whole day's plans before I can attack any one given thing. When other people can simply do things, I have to attack it and make a plan like I am strategizing a war. It is in that lifestyle, the difference between being sick and healthy. It is the beautiful ability to not think and just do. I miss that freedom. I miss never having to count "spoons".

After we were emotional and talked about this for a little while longer, I sensed she was sad. Maybe she finally understood. Maybe she realized that she never could truly and honestly say she understands. But at least now she might not complain so much when I can't go out for dinner some nights, or when I never seem to make it to her house and she always has to drive to mine. I gave her a hug when we walked out of the diner. I had the one spoon in my hand and I said “Don’t worry. I see this as a blessing. I have been forced to think about everything I do. Do you know how many spoons people waste everyday? I don’t have room for wasted time, or wasted “spoons” and I chose to spend this time with you.”

Ever since this night, I have used the spoon theory to explain my life to many people. In fact, my family and friends refer to spoons all the time. It has been a code word for what I can and cannot do. Once people understand the spoon theory they seem to understand me better, but I also think they live their life a little differently too. I think it isn’t just good for understanding Lupus, but anyone dealing with any disability or illness. Hopefully, they don’t take so much for granted or their life in general. I give a piece of myself, in every sense of the word when I do anything. It has become an inside joke. I have become famous for saying to people jokingly that they should feel special when I spend time with them, because they have one of my "spoons".

© 2003 by Christine Miserandino

Please note that this story is copyrighted and should not be reprinted in any form without permission from the author.

Feel free link to “The Spoon Theory” at

Saturday, November 7, 2009

a saturday

this is making me frown.

this made me smile :)). LOOK! its oscar!!

no classes for the day.
doesn't mean its a FREE-to-do-whatever-you-want day.
off to the books again.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

PBL no more!!! :D

PBL = problem based learning.

today's ze last day of PBL


*hula dancing across the hall*
*victory cheers*

thank god for the abolishment of PBL in the 4th block *grinnsssss*


just now, he called. telling me, he found a "HANNA'S FILE" in the main office's pc. which is rather odd amongst the other car-related files. turns out to be an article i wrote when i was in form 4. it was something i did, when my school entered that STAR newspaper competition.. alah,u know.. the one that each school can construct their own newspaper. what was the name ek?? forrgott lahhhh.aiyo~

nways, re-reading the article made me smile. reminiscing those moments all over again. i just miss high school so much, the carefree feeling :))). those in 4 Alpha 2004 might remember this, for the others.. i thought i would share this small memory of mine :)

its rather loonggggggg. u can read, or u can ignore it. no matter really. haha.

stupid cupid

Valentine’s Day, a day much celebrated and revered by the young and not so young but nonetheless romantic at heart. Valentine’s day is very much a day of the declaration of love and affection not only between two lovers, but also between siblings, parents ,students and teachers and just about every meaningful relationship.

The origins of Valentine’s Day traces back to an ancient roman celebration of Lupercalia. Held on 15 February, Lupercalia festivities are purported to increase the pairings of young lovers. While the pairings of couples set the tone for today’s holiday, it wasn’t called Valentine’s day until a priest named Valentine came along. Valentine, a roman at heart, disobeyed Emperor Claudius’s decree that soldiers remain bachelors forever. Imagine that….not having anyone to love in your life. Well, Saint Valentine found this ridiculous and performed secret marriage ceremonies. Claudius, then, had Valentine jailed for defying him. Valentine was put to death on 14 February for his disobedience. The Lupercalia Day was moved from February 15 to February 14 and was renamed Valentine’s Day to honor Saint Valentine.

Today, Valentine’s Day is celebrated all over the world with each having its own unique tradition. The origins of the most popular customs almost certainly traces their roots to a conventional belief generally accepted in England and France during the Middle Ages.

Britain would most certainly be the country which has set the tone in the celebration of this day. Different regions of this nation celebrate their own customs to honor this day, although the sending of cards and gifts is a standard procedure in the country. One uniform tradition is the singing of special songs by children who then receives gifts. In some areas, Valentine Buns are baked with caraway seeds, plums or raisins.

The Danes of Denmark, on the other hand, has a unique way of celebrating Valentine’s Day. It is common for people to send pressed white flowers called Snowdrops to their friends. A cheeky Danish man also sends a form of a valentine known as a gaekkebrev (joking letter).The sender of this gaekkebrev pens a rhyme but does not sign his name. Instead, he signs the message with dots…one dot for each letter in his name.

The tradition of celebrating this special day has been adopted and celebrated in Asia . In East Asia, particularly Japan , the Japanese has taken the celebration to a higher personal level. They celebrate Valentine’s Day on two different dates…February 14 and March 14.On the first date, the female gives a gift to the male. The male has to return the gift he received on the second date…also known as the ‘White day’ .Thus, a Japanese female has a luxury of actually choosing her own gift. Rather practical, don’t you think?

Similarly, in Taiwan , Valentine’s Day is celebrated on two different dates. It is celebrated on February 14 and also July 7, based on an ancient Chinese folktale. The color and amount of the roses given as a gift holds much significance. For example, one red rose means “an only love” and 108 roses means “marry me”.

Valentine’s Day is also shrouded by many rites and superstitions. The belief in some happenings can be frivolous and not at all acceptable in this modern world. It was once believed that if an apple is cut in half on Valentine’s Day, the number of seeds found inside the fruit will be an indication of the number of children that individual will have. This is science in all its simplicity.

In the fourteenth century, the romantics believe that to be awaken by a kiss on Valentine’s Day is considered lucky. Whilst, in Britain and Italy , some unmarried women would rise before sunrise and stand by the window watching for a man to pass. It was believed that the first man seen would be their husband within a year!!! One of the most ancient of Valentine’s Day rituals originated from Wales . Here, traditionally, if a young female is curious and brave enough, she can conjure up the appearance of her future spouse by visiting a graveyard at midnight on the eve of Valentine’s Day. She will sing a prescribed chant while running around the church 12 times. It sure sounds spooky, but what great lengths will the ladies do for their love life.

Saint Valentine’s Day is much associated to the rose. Interestingly, the letter of “rose” when rearranged, form the word “Eros”… God of Love. Different colors of the rose have different sentiments. A lavender rose means enchantment and uniqueness. On the other hand, beauty and passion is expressed through a deep red rose. Another flower linked with Valentines Day is the violet. In the language of flowers, the violet is symbolic of faithfulness.Valentines Day is undoubtedly a day of declaration of love. Through the years commercialism has crept in and made a mockery of this day. Now, the person who receives the biggest card or teddy bear, the most expensive candle light dinner or the most number of roses is the envy of others. Gone are the days when a simple “I Love You” would suffice. Would not it be better to show your affection by a simple gesture of a smile or a hug ????..